Ask the Wammy Boys
by Alice Break
Summary: I'm aware there's like a million of these out there but i'm hopin' you'll give mine a chance- as a newbie, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is/was appreciated  ,..., now complete!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: this is my first post on Fanfic so please be kind…also, when I say "Ask the Wammy Boys", I mean NO LIGHT [sorry light fan girls, he ain't a Wammy 'n I hate him] You can also ask former Wammys and nobody's dead in this fic so no tears, kay?**

**WARNING: may contain violence, cursing, and suggestively aimed personal questions**

**Alice: Aaaand the bachelors are: Near, Matt ,Mello ,L ,B.B., and A.**

**A: you resurrected me just for this?**

**B.B.: Nice to see you again, Al…**

**L: if Alice has control over death, then….*points to Alice* KIRA!**

**Alice: no Lawliet, get yer shit straight- Yagami Light is KIRA!**

**Matt: please don't overwhelm us with stupid questions or be redundant, I'm pretty sure nobody here enjoys re-iterating the replies to inquiries…**

**Mello: WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL'S MY GODDAMN CHOCOLATE? I WAS PROMISED A WONKA BAR!**

**Alice: shut the fuck up! Here's yer shitty Wonka Bar -.-**

**Near: please review and ask questions, we are waiting with anticipation**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: we have a shit load of questions to answer 'n Alice is gonna sort 'em all out- prepare for UK spelling, cursing, violence, and VERY personal questions… here we go ^_^**

**Alice: this first one is from ****Cerulean-****  
>"Waahhh I wanna ask a question :D Mello, are you gay? :O There are many fics with u and Matt :O Hehe plz reply ;) I'll give you<strong>**lindt chocolate****bunny if u do :D"**

**Mello: WHAT? *clears thought* no, now give me that fucking chocolate.**

**Matt: *looks up from his game for a split second* .?**

**Alice: *whispers to Cerulean* [Matt 'n Mello are real close 'n definitely have feelin's for each other- but I don't think either is sure exactly what those feelin's are- ya could say they're more than friends but not quite lovers- I think it's just one of those teen identity/sexuality/angst kinda crisis between them, for now we'll call their relationship a "bromance", nee?]**

**Mello: Oi! Alice- are you talking about me?**

**Alice: desho? No- MOVIN' ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION! Yayy- it's from my friend, Artie- "****this is for Matt, what would you think is better, Digimon or Pokémon. (I prefer Pokémon)"**

**Matt: I find the Pokémon games to be quite interesting, but I'm afraid that the anime is slowly declining-[I mean, Ash has been eleven for how many years now?] I do like the Digimon anime better though- it shows time lapses [the kids age] however I only watch adventures one and two- I find the others kinda shitty...**

**Alice: we now have a fuck load o' inquiries from ****DLC GIRL**** -****  
><strong>**"****A, aren't you glad you got resurrected?"  
><strong>

**A: I suppose I am considering that I'm now aware that my life was cut short by some bloody shinigami…**

**"BB, why do you like jam?"**

**BB: WHY WOULDN'T I LIKE JAM? IT'S MY DELISIOUS SORCE OF LIFE!**

**"L, what's your favorite sweet?"**

**L: all sweet include some sugar in them so I'll just say pure sugar**

**"Matt, what's your favorite game?"  
><strong>

**Matt: it changes every time a new game comes out- right now my favourite video game is Portal 2 ®**

**"Mello, do you take anger****management classes****?"**

**Mello: NO-WHY, YOU THINK I NEED THEM, HUH? I'LL SHOOT YOU! *points gun***

**Alice: *facepalms* NO SHOOTIN' REVIEWERS, YA PUNK ASS! *takes Mello's gun 'n pistol whips him with it***

**Mello: OWWW!**

**Alice: that's what'cha get *flips off***

**"Near YOU'RE SO CUTE!"**

**Near: thank you very much, however *looks down*, unfortunately I'm not sure I can return those feelings **

**Alice: *thinks*[yes! I still have a chance- Near is cute o/o]**

**Alice: one more question from ****DLC GIRL****- "Ooh, all of you, what is in your closet!"**

**A: umm…..some of my clothes- a few of my old paintings….**

**BB: A THOUSAND JARS OF STRAWBERRY JAM!**

**L: cameras and listening devices**

**Near: toys, some of my usual white pajama sets**

**Matt: all my games and hacking equipment- that kinda stuff**

**Mello: A military grade automatic firing assault gun and the mother load of all chocolate stashes**

**Alice: I know I don't count as a Wammy- but in my closet , there's a skeleton that hides a fake wall which is actually a door t' my cellar where I keep all my alcohol, my voodoo stuff 'n all my super tech shit…..**

**L and Mello: ~scared shitless~**

**A, BB, Matt and Near: we knew about it- makes a great hangout spot….**

**Alice: yes, yes it does, now moving on,**** Chococookies**** asks-******

**"Near, you are albino so why are your eyes dark?"**

**Near: I think that was a flaw in animation- if you'll notice most albino hair on people isn't white and even though I'm an albino who lived in England, I have the darker skin colouring of a regular Japanese person.**

**"Matt, face character+kart on mariokart?"**

**Matt:*eyes will not leave DS screen because he's about to beat Pokémon: Soul Silver*  
><strong>

**Alice: I would tell ya but he don't like sharin' his game knowledge anyhow, sorry **

**"Mello, what happened for you to be so chocolate addicted and angry all the time?"**

**Mello: NOTHING HAPPENED- I JUST LIKE CHOCOLATE! AND I'M NOT ANGRY ALL THE TIME!**

**Alice: *mutters* [sure, just most of the time XP]**

**Mello: I HEARD THAT!**

**Alice: 'n what're ya gonna do 'bout it, nee?**

**Mello: *reaches for his gun* what? *remembers that Alice had taken it* *sulks***

**"B, do you have secret feelings for A?"  
><strong>

**BB: I plead the fifth! **

**Alice: we ain't in court 'n yer British- the fifth amendment only applies to citizens**

**BB: I don't care- this is America and I should have citizenship seeing how I was tried and held in a sanitarium in Los Angeles**

**Alice: well stated point- kinda a cop out reply though *whispers to Chococookies*[I think we'll go with the earlier mentioned "bromance" status]**

**"A, how was it like to die?"  
><strong>

**A: after you get through the pain and depression of death- the afterlife is quite peaceful, but I didn't really commit suicide so I'm happier to be able to continue living life than I was happy to be at peace watching my loved ones from a distance**

**"L, do you actually like being a detective?"**

**L: I enjoy being a detective more than a criminal- solving cases gives me a great mental challenge and I have an overwhelming sense of justice and determination that helps and drives me to solve each case I accept**

**A/N: that's all for now- I'd like to thank all my reviewers and I hope everyone has a question ready for next time ^,…,^ I also hope ya found it a wee bit humorous **


	3. Ch3

**A/N: be ready for the usual -.-**

**Author: hell with this- Alice can do it all….**

**Alice: I refuse goddammit! Fuck this shit, I quit**

**Author: but you can't, you're my cool Fanfiction, pseudonymed personality **

**Alice: fair point….let's get on with it, at least this chapter'll be shorter than the last, ****Frogata wants to know-****  
><strong>

"**Mello, if somebody spiked your all your****chocolate****with laxatives, and you knew, would you still eat it?"**

**Mello: I would eat it considering it's impossible to put laxatives in ALL my chocolate- I mean, most people can't afford to but so many laxative kits- and even though it's no secret where I keep my chocolate, you can't get there because of my security systems… my chocolate is safe**

**Alice: *whispers to Frogata*[that's what HE thinks, I've already done it] **

**ONWARD WITH THE INQUIRIES! These are from ****Reshirammmmmm-**

"**Near...who is it you like? You did not share mutual feelings with a reviewer...is it Mello? ;)"**

**Near: I'm not going to tell you who I like *blushes slightly*, and no- I have no attraction to Mello….though I do wish that one day he would cease this one-sided hatred of me**

**Alice:*thinks*[yes, still got a chance at getting' him] *tries to hide a bright blush at the thought of Near***

"**Matt, have you played Pokémon black/white yet? If so, have you finished? Fave Pokémon?****"**

**Matt: *eyes glued to DS* I've beaten White…*continues to play game*…..~Pokémon victory sound effect~ *saves and closes game* and now I'm finished with Black, I don't have a favourite Pokémon, but I always prefer a grass type starter Pokémon.**

**Alice: my friend LM has another Question for Matt- "****Matt, may I ask what your favorite****Cigarette****brand is? And do you like a nice cigar every now and again?"**

**Matt: I get a special brand of smokes made exclusively for anime and manga characters, it's called "Verdana", weird name- don't ask me- but they're good! Cigars are okay but I only have them when Alice hides all my cigarettes and I go into withdrawal… **

**Alice:*gives death glare* no death sticks for ya; I took 'em all 'n threw 'em out **

**Matt: NOOOOOOOO! I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME SMOKING AND THAT YOU HAVE BAD LUNGS- I WITHDRAW FROM SMOKING AROUND YOU- ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?**

**Alice: no, smokin' is bad for ya 'n that's that**

**Matt: AND YOU DRINK, YOU'RE WAY MORE UNDERAGED THAN I AM- WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?**

**Alice: I'm immortal- my liver won't fail ^,…,^**

**Matt: that's right, shit- you're immortal but were somehow you were born with weak lungs- what a bizarre little vampire you are, Alice…**

**Alice: yup, I know, thanks ^,...,^ SORRY IT WASN'T AS FUN 'N SO SHORT- THAT'S ALL FOR NOW- SEE YA NEXT TIME! PLEASE KEEP ASKIN' QUESTIONS!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: there should be a warning and disclaimer on these things but I'm too lazy, I've been pressured into updating so this will be another short chapter….**

**Alice: hiya 'n welcome back- not at all sorry to say that Mello'll be answerin' all questions directed t' him from the bathroom 'cause of what I did to his chocolates…**

**Mello:*quivers while sitting on toilet* I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, ALICE! *quivers***

**Whenever I get off this damn thing….**

**Alice: Aaand the first question is for….me…? Strange-I'm not technically a Wammy or even a Death Note character…oh well, my friend, Feynman-  
><strong>

"**Yeah…I got a question for you Alice…**

**Every morning I wake up bleeding from my eyes, shaking…in sheer terror of the life before me.**

**I punched ****a postman**** in the face! I don't even know why! **

**Six days ago, I thought I was playing Chess and decapitated a Bishop! A REAL BISHOP! **

**WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?**

**I can't stop eating wheat and dirt…"**

**Everyone: shit- that's scary**

**Alice: First of all, wheat 'n dirt is a very healthy combo…but I haven't done anythin'- here's some answers 'n advice for ya; that bishop had it comin'- don't worry, ya punched the postman 'cause he broke yer Netflix DVD, remember to Rum up yer wife's Wine if ya don't wanna live in fear, 'n to fix that bleedin' eye issue- keep yer cat in a different room while ya sleep… nee?**

**NEXT, ****IloveBeyondBirthday**** says-  
>"Hi! If ya' don't mind me asking... if you have Pokémon: Soul Sliver, wanna be my friend? :D"<strong>

**Alice: I'll message ya 'bout that**

**"BB, Do you have a crush on L? : DDD"**

**BB: NO! I HATE HIM!**

**"Mello, what is your favorite holiday?"**

**Mello:*yelling through bathroom door* EASTER- GIVES ME THE MOST CHOCOLATE!**

**"L, what's your favorite flavor of pie?"**

**L: I have a special kind of strawberry pie made that is my favorite**

**"A, I think you're pretty awesome. Umm...So, Did a Shinigami kill you; did you commit suicide; or did BB kill you? I thought BB killed you for some odd reason."**

**A: I'll be glad to clarify for you, no- B would never do such a thing to me…I committed suicide under the influence of a Shinigami.**

**"Matt, I just started playing Portal 2! ITZ AWEZUM. Ummm... What's your fave Final Fantasy game?"**

**Matt: glad to hear you like it as much as I do, I would have to say I like all the Final Fantasy games the same**

**"Near, do you eat your toys?"**

**Near: no, that would ruin them- not to mention give me indigestion…**

**Alice: good point, Near… now Domeoffear asks-  
><strong>

"**Mello, what's the thing you're scared of most in the entire world? Not chocolate related...or gun related "  
><strong>

**Mello: *still bound to the can* this is hell- I'm living my fears right now Q_Q**

**"Matt, (takes gaming device from hand, and throws out window with other gaming devices) if you lost all gaming devices including ****computer****, what would you do?"  
><strong>

**Matt: ask Alice to share- She has all the same systems and games…**

**"Near... (Evil smirk) if you saw Mello making out with Matt, what would you do? :D"**

**Near: if it looked completely consensual on both sides- I'd leave them to it, if not- I'd find a way to separate them…**

**Alice: 'n that's all- see ya soon, please keep askin' shit ^,…,^**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Terribly sorry for not updating sooner… I hope you're all ready for some of the usual, what's that you say: "you're not ready"? ... Too bad, I gave you weeks to prepare…**

**Near: Umm…whenever Alice is ready we'll begin distributing replies to all your questions…. *looks to Alice***

**A: Alice, I hope you know you've been holding up this fic for about two weeks now…**

**BB: Seriously- I think it's time to get this show on the road again…**

**Alice: FUCK EV'RYTHIN' IMMA STAY ON STRIKE AND NOT SORT OUT ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS 'TIL THE REST OF THE FICS I READ HAVE UPDATED! ,…, *death glare***

**Computer: You have mail**

**Alice: *opens***

**Email: story update**

**Alice: *gasps* YAYY, fuck yeah *follows link and reads update* SHIT- I have to go through the reviews now, don't I? **

**L: You would be correct in that statement**

**Alice: Kay, I'll do it…..**

**Mello: *runs out of bathroom* FREEDOM! *sees Alice* YOU BITCH…I'LL STRAGLE YOU!**

**Matt: I don't think so *grabs by the shirt collar and ties up***

**Alice: Thanks, Matt! Mello will now be answering all questions while restrained in a corner….let's start, shall we?**

**Hmn, Artie again- "****Everyone, what is your favorite time of day?"**

**A: Both sunset and sunrise- I can enjoy beauty and get some fantastic paintings out of it at the same time.**

**BB: I'm more of a night person**

**Mello: Whatever time of day I get to kill Alice!**

**Matt: So, is that no time of day then?**

**Mello: Shut up!**

**Matt: *looks at Mello -.-* I'm an early riser, so I guess I like mornings best.**

**L: I equally enjoy all times of day.**

**Near: Same here.**

**Alice: I'm nocturnal so figure it out. ,..,**

**Next question from *face palms* Feynman****, once again-**

"**Shouldn't you guys be like…doing something…involving your incredible intelligence?"**

**All: We're all using our minds to compose responses to these inquiries, and we all ARE working separate cases between updates…**

**Mello: And I'm thinking of a way to get out of these goddamn ropes!**

**Alice: Yup, and yer failin'*walks over and tightens ropes***

**Mello: *tries to bite Alice but fails* DIE IN A FIRE! *glare* *sulks***

**Alice: Sorry, immortals can't do that… last questions are from another regular reviewer,** **IloveBeyondBirthday**** -**

**"Okay then! BB, For some reason just about everyone believes you killed A. A said you didn't, but... just making sure..."**

**BB: I did not and never would! *feels slightly offended***

**"A, What do you mean? A Shinigami told you to kill yourself... AND YOU DID! -.-'"**

**A: No, let me makes this clear and plain as Mello's affection for chocolate-**

**Mello: WHICH I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY OF!**

**A: [GODDAMMIT, MELLO, SHUT UP!] I had no power over the events that led to my death, my body was being manipulated by a Shinigami who made my death LOOK like a suicide, I had no say in the matter….**

**"L, Ah. I see. Umm... OH GOD I JUST PUKED ON YOU."**

**L: *slightly disgusted* It's fine, I'll go change…. *goes, changes and comes back***

**"Mello, Do you believe in Santa Claus?****"****  
><strong>

**Mello: Not really- but I'll make him my fucking GOD if he gives me chocolate and kills the "immortal" Alice!**

**Alice: ,…, No joke, dude, I really AM immortal * dives off balcony into concrete; bleeds a bit; gets up; climbs back up the building's side like the crazy bitch she is; goes over to Mello* see? *shows healing***

**Mello: WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL! SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! *now officially scared shitless* that's fucked up…. O_O !**

**Alice:*smirks* ,…, believe me now? **

**Mello: *nods* O_O**

**Alice: *licks blood off her hands* yer a real sissy, ya know that, nee? ,…, ANYWHO-let's get back to the questions…**

**"Near, Will you do my homework? X3"  
><strong>

**Near: No, do your own.**

**"Matt, Yeah...Ummm... WANT TO BE A FIREFIGHTER? :DD"**

**Matt: No, in fact, I'm more likely to be an arsonist…**

**Alice: YA DIDN'T HEAR THAT *death glare***

**Matt: *realizes what he just said* SHIT! *thinks* [whew, Alice is covering for me] *breathes a sigh of relief***

**Alice: That's all for now! We love reviewers- reviews? Pretty please with all that sweet shit on top?**

**A/N: thanks for reading and I really do need some more reviews- hope you enjoyed it! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/ N: I'm sincerely sorry about not updating sooner. I just got back computer privileges after roughly a month and I'm still on thin ice. Anyway, back to the routine-hold on tight, or fall off your chair/bed, see if I care.**

**Alice: Aww shit, 'n that was such a nice break… ehh time to work. The first review is from one of our most inquisitive frequenters, ****ILoveBeyondBirthday****  
><strong>

"_**A: OH, okay, I get it now... Jeez, you'd really think Shinigami have something better to do than kill**__**children."  
><strong>_

**A: Yeah, I know, thanks for understanding…**

_**"BB: Would you kill L if I gave you 100,000,000 jars of home-made strawberry Jam?"  
><strong>_

**BB: Normally, I'd do it for free because I hate him so much. Unfortunately for both of us, I don't think Alice would let me kill him until this fic is over. I'm also just not in the mood to be attacked by rabid "L fan girls", so sorry.**

_**"L: Gyah! WHY ARE YOU SOO LAME NOWW! I used to love you- UHH,... Please ignore that... (=3='')"  
><strong>_

**L: I didn't think it was possible for me to increase in "lameness", my apologies. Also, pardon?**

_**"Matt: O-O'' Arsonist? REALLY? ... O-Kay then... (?)"**_

**Matt: Y-y-you… weren't…supposed to…hear that, s-sorry….**

_**"Mello: I know how to kill an Immortal. There's 2 ways.**_

#1: Use the

___**Death Note**__**Light has with him.**_

#2: Holy water/use Matsuda as bait D:

-Bai"

**Mello: There are just a few issues with that:**

**+ Light isn't in this fic and I doubt it would work even then because I don't have her full name…**

**+ I tried and failed with Holy Water before (she drank and bathed in it)…. And she hates Matsuda, so I couldn't see her taking that bait (sorry Matsuda, but you do get to live!)….**

**Alice: hyhyhyn ^,.., ^ any~who, next is ****Feynman**_** -**__**  
><strong>_

"_**Yeah I got a question for all of ye….**_

Paper or plastic?

I leave it up to you to determine what that means."

**ALL: Neither kind of bag, reusable cloth is more eco-friendly. Paper cash may be a bit of a bother, but it's the simplest way to avoid credit debts- besides Alice is a freeloading Alter Ego and the rest of us are Anime Characters, none of us even need money.**

**Alice: Kay, now ****Kelly**-

"_**Quick question: Which one of you smells the best?**_

Thanks!"

**Alice and B.B.: don't know, we always smell of blood and/or strawberries, but after a while it kinda fuses into the same smell…**

**A: I was dead so I guess I can't smell all that great…**

**L: I don't regularly take showers so…**

**Mello: they say chocolate and gunpowder isn't as nice as I think, but screw them!**

**Matt: meh, I always smell like smoke so it's not me…**

**Near: I guess that leaves me, my toys are odorless and I bathe regularly. Is that satisfactory?**

**Alice: yes, Near, congratulations- ya smell best…or rather, more distinctly- ya don't smell at all….**

**Here's a question from ****vabos-****  
><strong>

"_**What the hell is going on?"**_

**Alice: I fuckin' only wish I Goddamn knew, we're in the same boat here- welcome to my world…**

**Last but not least, ****somedudenamed Robert****- **

"_**Purple cow or green ferret?"**_

**All: Easy, green ferret!**

**A/N: thanks a bunch for reading and please continue to review. I'd like to thank Feynman for being this chapter's beta. Please also review to let me know whether or not it's time to drop this shit already!**


	7. Final Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I deeply apologize to those I've kept waiting. This will be a short and sadly, the LAST chapter due to lack of reviews. It's been a good run, never thought I'd get to seven chapters. Let's play ourselves out…**

**Alice: Well, here we have a late comer with their fist and last response from the characters of this fic, **_**ADHDKunoichi**__**-**__**  
><strong>_

"_**Ooh! Can I ask some questions now? Please?**__**"**_

**Alice: Yes, yes you may… **_****_

_**"L: have you ever had Mountain Dew? What's your favorite kind? (I prefer Pitch Black)"  
><strong>_

**L: I stick to the basics, I just get regular.**

_**"Near: do you own any clothes other than those white pajama-looking abominations?"  
><strong>_

**Near: No, I do not. Nor was I aware that they were considered "abominations".**

_**"BB: Will you be my friend? :DD"**_

**BB: Sure, I need more friends…**_****_

_**"Btw, this is really cool! :D"**_

**Alice: Thanks…**

**Now **_**Hero108**__**-**__**  
><strong>_

"_**BB: Aww. That sucks- I'll give you the Jam anyways cuz' your so epic! ^^ *gives* Oh, and you like Anime- have you ever seen "Hetalia: Axis Powers"?"**____**  
><strong>_

**BB: I sometimes watch it with Alice and the Author, it's cute, Ivan (Russia) would be my friend. **

_**"L: I didn't mean to say that- It's just I thought you were an Asshole for a little, when I loved BB- ;;-;;"  
><strong>_

**L: I see…I think….**

_**"Matt: O.o um... ok..? Oh, Matt- Why are you the only person here with a FUCKING NORMAL NAME! XD"  
><strong>_

**Matt: No fucking clue, but I'm kinda happy I am.**

_**"Mello: Aw- Well- you could try to kidnap**____**Justin**____**Bieber. ewe He can kill anybody w/ his horrible skills."**_

**Mello: I don't wish to kill my self in the process though…**_****_

_**"Near: SING "Hamburger Street!" (It's a Hetalia: AP Character Song by: America- XD it's so stupid XDD)"**_

**Near: I'm not familiar and would rather not sing, especially something so idiotic.**_****_

_**"BYE BUNNY RABBITS FROM HELL! ^^"**_

**All: Bye!**

**Alice: and now a statement from **_**Seasammy13**__**-**__**  
><strong>_

"_**Interesting story thus far. Keep up the good work Alice-Chan ;)**__**"**_

**Author and Alice: THER IS NO "-CHAN" AT THE END OF MY NAME! I hate you, Sam… (In reality, the author's best friend who often adds "-Chan" to annoy her)**

**Alice: **_**Feynman-**__**  
><strong>_

"_**Oh wise Wammys...**_

_**What do you think of me?**_

_***shakes 8 ball*"**_

**All (including Author): You're great, but you should really pay attention to your medication more often…**

**A/N: I bid you a fond farewell, reviews are no longer necessary. Please also (while it's open) participate in my current poll about plot ideas. Thank you for reading… **


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